change...

something has been weighing heavy on my heart.  and i think i just need to take time to acknowledge it.  i feel like i am at a place in my life where the way i was heading suddenly isn't the way i want to go any more.  what do i mean?  well, i have been dreaming for as long as i can remember about being a photographer.  i love it!  i have started working on my studio in my house, and have been busy buying props, and backdrops.  but a few months ago it started feeling like that wasn't the direction i was suppose to be heading.  at least not right now.  i can't explain why i feel this way.  in fact it almost upsets me!  i just lately feel like i am forcing myself in a direction that it not meant to be.  i feel i am being called to a different path.  one that excites me, but it's hard to change direction in the middle of the road, no matter how exciting the new path is!  after alayna's birth, something sparked in me.  this fire for birth.  for helping other moms find their inner strength.  one that i was so unaware i had until i experienced natural, unmedicated childbirth.  i see and hear too often people talking about birth in fear.  saying they just can't "without drugs".  i used to compare childbirth to stubbing my toe!  i would tell people that i have a very low pain threshold---stubbing my toe about made me cry so there was no way i could delivery a baby without an epidural!  my friend jaime was pregnant at the same time i was.  one day she told me that she was planning a homebirth.  i remember thinking that is was totally insane.  in fact, i set out to research and prove all the reasons why she was crazy.  why it was dangerous for both mom and baby not to be in a hospital.  after all, i had delivered a baby who ended up in the nicu for 10 days.  i knew that things could go wrong.  it was all too real to me.  but upon researching, and talking with people, i began to understand why jaime would want to be as far away from the hospital as she could.  and i began to realize that haylee's 10 day nicu stay could have totally been avoided if it hadn't been for the doctors interventions (ie: pitocin, epidural, breaking my water).  i was 35 weeks along when i delivered her.  they never once tried to stop my labor.  i realized that had i been under the care of a midwife...things would have gone so differently.  and then when i was at one of my appointments with alayna at the OB's office (under the care of a medwife), laynie was breech.  i asked what our options where if she didn't turn before i delivered and the said, well, you'd have a c-section.  that was it.  that was all i needed to hear.  no one was cutting me open unless my baby was in distress.  and just because she was upside down (err right side up?)...that didn't make her in distress.  i walked out of that appointment knowing i would never go back.  knowing in my heart that i would be delivering this little one at home. surrounded by my family and my friends.  not random doctors and nurses and med students.  not attached to tubes and machines.  not stuck on my back numb to the most beautiful moment that was occurring.  i would not be numb.  i wanted to feel every contraction, every push.  jumping forward to the day alayna was born...i was prepared.  i was supported.  i was surrounded by love and support.  i delivered alayna in a pool in our bedroom.  only loving hands touched me, supported me, gave me strength to push on.  the energy in the room was incredible!  one that you will not ever feel in a sterile hospital setting (please remember, my first three where born in the hospital...so i truly feel i can say that).  pushing her out, i was the first one to touch her.  pulled her out of the water and into my arms.  and it was the most empowering moment of my entire life!!  in that moment something in me changed.  i found my inner strength.  this is my desire for every pregnant woman out there.  to feel prepared.  to be educated.  to not be afraid.  even if they choose not to birth at home, i want them to know that they were BORN to deliver babies.  and to stand up for themselves against the doctors.  to trust their bodies.  because when they do it's the most empowering thing that they will ever experience.  this is why i am seriously considering becoming a doula.  maybe even a midwife.  i am not sure when this will happen.  i am enjoying being a homeschool mama just soaking up time and love with my kids! i haven't decided what exactly i will do with the photography business.  like i said, i love it!  maybe i can have the best of both worlds and just do birth photography!  :)