fears

for those of you who know me....you know that i have a laundry list of fears.  these fears have had a strong hold on me my entire life.  storms---b/c a tornado will came and take out my house (seriously!), snakes, big dogs, black men (this stems from being afraid of my biological father who i thought would take me away from my adoptive parents.  i didn't know what he looked like when i was younger---so i was scared of all black men).  heights.  escalators (you know---pants getting caught in them and tripping/falling on my face!).  public speaking.  planes (because the plane i am on will crash!).  getting mugged.  the dark (thank goodness for night lights!  yup!  this 32 year old still uses one!).  someone breaking in (my poor husband has had to go check the house more times than i can count b/c i "heard something").  my kitchen knife holder is backwards---so they don't fall off the counter and stab my kids in the chest (yes, all of the knifes at the same time---kind of like in that movie final destination---at least i think that was in that movie!)..........i am sure the list is longer than this but i can't even remember them all right now!

a few weeks ago i was talking to a dear friend of mine, Jamie.  she was talking about how she had a spirit of fear on her.  she shared some of her fears with me---and they were very similar to mine!  we even laughed and high-fived each other on the knife thing (she TOTALLY understood that!).  she went on to say that she recently prayed that the spirit of fear would be released from her.  and she rebuked that spirit in Jesus name.  she felt a wave of peace fall on her.  hearing that made it click for me.  God does not desire for me to be afraid.  fear does not come from him.  fear is of the enemy.

that night i asked Jamie and her husband Randy and Ben to pray over me.  i realized i had this spirit of fear.  and that it had a tight grip on my life.  i no longer wanted to be afraid. 

after 32 years of living in fear....i am free!  i can not tell you what it feels like to live in peace!  to feel safe!  living your life terrified is not living your life at all!  the spirit that held it's reigns so tight is GONE!!  all the irrational fears i have had----GONE!!!!  in it's place is a spirit of joy, of peace, of comfort! 

God is not a God of fear.  but of love.  i finally understand what it feels like to be safe in His arms!  and i have to say it's the best feeling in the world! 

we still know how to rock the hizzle...

 

 

No real post behind this video.  I just like it!  Can totally relate! 

 

 

cancer sucks

cancer.  it's a word we all hear way too much these days.  it's a word that people can't understand until it hits home.  until it's a loved one saying "i have cancer".  it's a word that has literally brought me to my knees, weeping, and asking God for answers and understanding.

just over a week ago one of my dearest friends---a kindred spirit kinda friend---told me that she had just been diagnosed with melanoma cancer.  stage two.  hearing those words....i couldn't breathe.  i know people say that but i truly couldn't catch my breath.  i sat on the arm of my chair gasping for air.  and then the uncontrollable tears began to flow as i spoke with her over the phone.  i could feel the pain, the fear, and the anger in her voice.  all i wanted to do was to take it away.  i am a fixer.  it's in my nature to do whatever i can to make things better.  i can't fix this.  we are 867.20s mile apart.  i can't even hug her.

after we got off the phone i had to share the news with my husband.  i told him how helpless i feel.  and how frustrated i am that i can't fix this.  i can't take this away from her.  nothing i can do will make this better or easier.  he quickly told me i was wrong.  that there IS something i can do.  and reminded me how simple the answer was.  pray.  prayer has power.  prayer has a way of cancelling out 867.20 miles.  prayer has a way of wrapping my arms around her and hugging her.

my friend; you know who you are.  i am on my knees in prayer for you.  when you feel a sudden sense of peace, know it's me praying for you (it's me hugging you from 867.20 miles away!!)  i have said this before and i will say it again.  i believe in a God who is a healer.  and he loves you.  he loves you more than I love you!  and he wants to give us the desires of our hearts.  the desire of my heart is to hear "cancer-free".  and i will stand in the gap for you my friend until we hear those words.

cancer is a scary word...but my God is BIGGER than cancer.  my God can make the lame walk, the dead rise, the barren with child.  my God can, has, and WILL heal.  I believe it with all my heart. 

back to school...homeschool style!

we are just about to begin our 3rd year of homeschooling.  this year logan will be in preschool.  well...we started slowly last year but he honestly had no interest in it so i decided not to pressure him.  now he is ready to learn!  i found abcmouse.com at the end of last year.  its a computer learning game.  he can go online and play games, have books read to him, he learns letters and numbers, animals, science.  there is a litte avatar guy that he "owns".  after each activity he earns tickets and he can turn them in for things for his guy.  he loves it!  we will still use that but i will also be working from Horizon Preschool Curriculum too.

lexie will be in 4th grade this year and haylee 3rd.  i can't believe how quickly the years have gone by!  they are 8 & 9 now and it just blows my mind!  we have started Oak Meadow Curriculum.  it's based off the waldorf principles.  i really loved it at first.  it's simple.  easy.  almost unschooling in a way (we actually considered unschooling...but that will have to be a different blog post!).  i just started feeling in the last few weeks that they need more.  the LOVE school.  they LOVE learning, reading, writing...all of it!  so i started looking into things to add to what we were planning to do.  last week i stumbled upon The Mystery of History.  here is a blurn from the product description:

The Mystery of History Volume 1 is written from a Christian, young-earth, perspective, teaching children to see God's hand throughout history...and how the Gospel of Jesus is the mystery behind all of history! Written in a conversational style, many lessons are presented in the form of mini-biographies, integrating fascinating stories with the events of the time. Covering creation to the resurrection, students will learn about famous biblical characters, ancient peoples, and well-known men such as Aesop, Buddha, Pythagoras, Confucius, Emperor Asoka, Herodotus, Caesar, Hannibal, and Herod.

i have talked with a few friends that have used it and just LOVE it!  i am excited to get this in my hands!  growing up in a Christian family and school i learned Bible.  i learned history.  but never really combined.  i am eager to not only teach this but to learn along with the kids! 

i also just purchased Christian Kids Explore Earth & Space for our science.  it  covers the earth, lithosphere, hydrosphere, atmosphere and weather.  the kids have been asking for more science related things so they are pretty geeked about this!

pretty excited about this year!  i am bracing myself for more challenges now that alayna is 2 1/2.  but i plan to find ways to "teach" her things along with the other kids.  i still can't believe we took the "plunge" into homeschooling!  but we realy truly are loving it! 

I am a C...

I am C-H...

I am C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N

And I have C-H-R-I-S-T in my H-E-A-R-T and I will L-I-V-E E-T-E-R-N-A-L-L-Y!

God has laid this song on my heart for about a week now.  Throughout the day it just pops up in my head.  And here i sit again with these words.  God is funny sometimes, the way he tries to grab our attention!  I sit here finally GETTING what he's been trying to say to me for some time.  Own it.  OWN who you are.  Own me.  OWN ME AS YOUR LORD and SAVIOR!

In the world we live in, Christianity is not the "in" thing.  It's often what sets you apart as "the weird one".  I have friends who are not Christians.  And I find myself almost downplaying my belief around them to "fit in".  But here is the thing...I believe that as a Christian, I am not called to fit in.  I am called to stand out!  I want people to look at me and see my heart.  And wonder what sets me apart-what makes me different!  I want them to wonder what I have that seems to be missing from their own lives.  I want them to long for what I have, so they can ask me about, and I can share it with them, so they can have it too!

I will be honest, I often fear that if "so and so" knows I am a believer...will they still "like" me?  Will I lose friends if I stand up and say that I believe that Jesus Christ is the one true God?  Who knows.  All I know is that that is a risk that I am willing to take. Matthew 10:33 says " But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven."  So I will not disown my Lord, not even by omission.

So here I am.  A Christian.  Take me or leave me. But if you take me; you take all of me...

And as for me and my house...we will serve the Lord.

midwifery and the great divide....

As many of you know I have been volunteering for Friends of Michigan Midwives for a few months now.  Yesterday I turned in my resignation for my position.  When I started working with them, I was under the assumption that this included ALL midwives.  And that our goal was openly supported by ALL midwives.  Afterall...we were their friends.  Friends help each other out.  After my last conference call with several other volunteers, I was left was a sour taste in my mouth.  Something was stated (that I have now been told I must have misunderstood) that just didn't sit well with me, so I started digging.

Upon my research, this is NOT a group that includes all midwives.  This is a group whose sole purpose is to push/back/support a bill, that on the surface (imo) seems great.  Making Midwifery legal in the state of Michigan.  Upon digging, and asking questions...not so great.

There are a TON of midwives that do not want State Licensure.  Midwifery in the state of MI is not legal.  NOR is it illegal.  It is one of those gray areas.  The bill would cover CPMs (certified professional midwives), and all other midwives who are not CPMs now must become CPMs (there is claim that midwives would be grandmothered in for 3-4 years).  The claim is so there is a standard of care.  But I have seen OB's...they are suppose to have a standard of care, right?  And they are elminating vbacs, pushing epis, pushin inductions, pushing time-frames on moms/births... So for me, standard of care doesn't really mean much.  What I want is midwives that trust birth.  As a parent who spent a lot of time researching homebirths, and researching midwives I feel that moms, and dads are 100% capable of finding a midwife with a GOOD record, a midwife they can trust.  A midwife with experience, and education (which doesn't always mean "book taught").  The more I think about state licensure for midwives, the more I realize the power that is being taken away from parents.  I have heard that Licensure will require neonatal resuscitation...isn't that just smart practice?  As a mom...that would be one of the FIRST questions I'd ask interviewing a midwife.  What happens IF something goes wrong...what training/education do you have?  Licensure is not needed for that.  Another is that there would be 3rd party reimbursment from medicaid to cover homebirths.   I have even been quoted talking about this recently in an online publication.  BUT here is the thing...for me, someone who is planning to become a midwife...I am so passionate about homebirths that should I ever have a client who cant afford me...I will find a way to make it work.  Barter some or even ALL of my services.  There are midwives already that DO this.  So 3rd party reimbursment just makes it about money (again, imo).

The State of MI is not even ASKING that midwives become licensed.  They want them to be registered with NARM (North American Registry of Midwives.  So fine, lets just ask that Midwives all take the NARM exam.  And leave State licensure out of it.  I get very concerned when people start involving the government...who has proven time after time they just care about money and will screw anyone over, no matter promises have been made along the way.  This bill MAY be great.  It MAY be the best bill outta all the others in the states.  But once it's introduced...midwives WILL lose power eventually.

In other states, breech births and multiples births have been used a a bargaining chip to pass the bill.  I have heard that this wont happen here.  I have also heard (although now being told I misunderstood) this MAY happen here.  They are not putting any definition of birth in the bill.  They are leaving it in the hands of the midwives to decide what births they want to attend.  Okay, again, that seems great.  BUT...look at what has just happened with the Medical Marijuana Dispensaries.  The Medical Marijuna law is vague.  Now the State is staying that dispensaries are illegal.  And dispite the revenue these business were bringing to the state (at least the ones that were actually doing the business legit) these businesses are being raided and forced to close.  Who is to say that this same thing WILL NOT happen with midwifery?  What happens if a Licensed midwife attend a birth, something goes wrong.  Someone sues (b/c we live in a sue happy country), the state says, "well, the law doesn't cover breech births"...now, even tho the midwife is licensed...she goes to jail.  MAYBE I am stretching it, maybe I am not.

ANOTHER concern, if a midwife chooses not to get her license, the claim is that her status would stay just as it is now.  That just can't be.  B/c right now we are riding the gray area.  Remember, not legal, not illegal.  Licensure would make the other midwives ILLEGAL.  And then the witch hunt begins...turning in the midwives who are now marked with the scarlet A...better yet, scarlet UM (unlicensed midwife).   It divides what once was a beautiful into two groups...the legal midwives vs. the illegal midwives.  Right now, even though there may be a great divide in opinions/views...all midwives are in the same boat...floating in the gray area together.

I know that in posting this, I am stepping across the line and joining what others are calling the naysayers.  But it is what it is.  I have found my voice.  And I will use it.  This affects my future as a midwife someday.  And I refuse to sit silent in fear of offending anyone.  I truly hope that my friends on "the other side" of this divide understand that I have to make my own choices, and that they still love me for me.  But I must cross over to the other side now.  And I hold my head up high doing so.

I have recently come across someone who has a very LOUD voice against state licensure...Carla Hartley.  In fact, I have an appointment to speak with her over the phone tomorrow (and I am rather excited about it!).  Here is what she writes about this....and I agree, 100%.

licensure

[lī′sənshoo͡r]
Etymology: L, licere, to be allowed
the granting of permission by a competent authority (usually a government agency) to an organization or individual to engage in a practice or activity that would otherwise be illegal. Kinds of licensure include the issuing of licenses for general hospitals or nursing homes, for health professionals such as physicians, and for the production or distribution of biologic products. Licensure is usually granted on the basis of education and examination rather than performance. It is usually permanent, but a periodic fee, demonstration of competence, or continuing education may be required. Licensure may be revoked by the granting agency for incompetence, criminal acts, or other reasons stipulated in the rules governing the specific area of licensure
medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/


Ask yourself:
• Has history proven that licensure of midwives is a good thing for birthing women or for midwifery?
• Does licensing restrict or expand "with woman" midwifery service?
• Does a licensed midwife have the freedom to serve the birthing women who hire her or does she really work for the license grantor?
• Does the added expense of licensing help hold midwifery service down to something the average family can afford?
• If birth is a normal function and midwifery is not medicine why would we need MALPRACTICE insurance or licensing or other medical related red tape and approval?
• Is licensure based on a false premise that birth is a MEDICAL event?

• Do birthing women need to be protected from midwives?
• Does licensing increase the competition and contention among midwives?
• Can you agree to acting as an agent of the state, promising to report other non-licensed midwives as part of your license agreement?
• Does a license mean a midwife is a BETTER midwife than one who is not licensed or just the perception of "official" therefore better?
• What will the trade-offs be once you are licensed?
• Does a license protect the midwife from persecution or prosecution?
• Will papering up make you a better "with woman" midwife?

Remember...those who grant the license may alter its conditions and take it away at any time. A license is not FREEDOM TO PRACTICE--it is REGULATION OF PRACTICE.
 (by carla hartley)

food really does matter!

many months ago i watched parts of Food Inc. on youtube.  it was only about 10 minutes of it, and it was very disturbing.  so much so, i didn't want to watch the rest of it.  not because i didn't agree with it, but because it made me aware of what i am really eating.  and the fact that the people that are suppose to protecting us, and keeping our foods safe...have pockets padded by the people who are doing the damage to our foods.  i was sickened seeing thousands of chickens, pumped full of antibiotics and growth hormones (to make bigger breasts, and more "meat") that they can barely walk.    it's things that we don't think about...where are food is really coming from.  when we go to the grocery store and get meat (whether it's chicken, beef, pork, turkey), in our minds we picture these animals prior to slaughter living on a beautiful farm, with lush green grass, farmers that know them by name, big red barn, stray barn cats running all over.  don't lie...ya'll have the same fantasy!  ;)  but it's so far from the truth!  these animals are all treated inhumane!  and we should be ashamed of ourselves for standing by with a blind eye.  these animals live in feed lots.  bunched together, standing in their own fecal matter.  corn fed (because it's cheaper and government subsidized). 

i finally gave in to my own selfish...ummm shall we say, protection of the truth...and watched Food Inc in it's entirety.  it make me sick to my stomach.  that i had been a guilty party in all of this.  being naive to the truth makes us just as guilty as monsanto (in my eyes!).  if you don't know who monsanto is...you better start researching.   monsanto created roundup.  and roundup ready seeds.  meaning, seeds that dont die when roundup is sprayed on it.  meaning...GMO...genetically modified foods.  fake version of what GOD created.

once you learn the truth, you can't go back to the way you lived before.  changes must be made.  and ben and are are taking giant leaps to change what we eat and what we feed our kids.  we have purchased a cow share from a farm in howard city, so that we can legally get raw milk.  raw milk is unpasteurized.  straight from the cow.  nothing added, nothing taken away.  raw mil, despite what the FDA says, is better for you than pasteurized.  we also have started going weekly to the farmers markets.  buying organic, locally grown foods.  talking to the farmers about how they grow (natural vs pesticides).  reading food labels.  knowing what ingredients are safe, and what should be avoided at all cost!    I am making these changes not just for myself, but for my kids, and my grandkids, and great-grandkids.  these changes NEED to be made so that we can have a future someday.  a future without cancer, and disease.  yes, this IS possible!  but we have to demand it.  our government will give us exactly what we ask them for, and if all we ask is a world full of GMO'd foods, cheap, foods...they will continue to provide it.  but is we stand up NOW and demand better...eventually we WILL get better. 

i highly suggest that you get your hands on Food Inc., Foodmatters, The Future of Food.  find out what you are eating.  what you are feeding your kids, and make a difference in their lives starting TODAY.